


One more time

by PersephoneSidekick



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It's kind of mean to Asgore, sad with implied happy ending later, spoilers for various endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 23:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4981111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PersephoneSidekick/pseuds/PersephoneSidekick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What kind of kid fights to befriend and save a group of monsters who try to kill them again and again? What kind of kid sacrifices everything but still refuses to die? First-person account of Pacifist-Frisk's decision to reload one more time after the neutral ending. View from the inside of a very screwed up little kid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One more time

I should have stayed with Toriel. Leaving her was stupid, petty. I thought staying with her would be like replacing mom. I was so mean to her, pushing her away whenever she tried to be nice, wanting to leave so soon, to go back to the home I was running away from in the first place. To be honest, I think I was just scared to admit that I felt safer in her house than I ever did back at home. But I _was_ safer. All the people trying to kill me came later after I left the ruins, just like she told me would happen. Toriel put me first, even though she didn’t know me, even before she met me. She locked herself away to protect kids like me from her husband. She said she’d put aside her worries and let me go. I wish she hadn’t believed me. She put me first; I don’t think humans ever put kids first.

_“Dear Frisk, I love you, and I didn’t mean to leave you. Please call this number and tell them everything about what your dad is doing. They’ll take you somewhere safe. I should have called it myself, a long time ago. But I didn’t know how to make myself leave him. I hope you can forgive me. Love, Mom.”_

I couldn’t bring myself to call the number either. Okay, I did once, but I couldn’t go through with it. The person on the phone sounded so serious. And I think she was going to send dad to jail or something. She wouldn’t promise me not to, anyway. But I couldn’t stay with dad either. It only got worse without mom. So I kept trying to run away from home, but the police kept dragging me home. And they always wanted to know why I was running because I “seemed like a good kid.” I wouldn’t say anything because it would be so embarrassing if they knew what I was really like. So eventually I decided to go to Mount Ebott. Nobody returns from there. I didn’t want to return. 

_“You want to leave so badly? Hmph. You are just like the others. There is only one solution to this.”_

I think the thing I feel most bad about, is making Toriel hurt me. She was just trying to scare me away, but I was more angry than scared. After a while I figured out that she wasn’t really going to hurt me very much at all. I mean she burnt me pretty bad a couple of times, but it was nowhere near as bad as the things that happened to me outside the ruins. And when I was too hurt to resist, she never came in for the kill. She just kept throwing fire everywhere, but it went nowhere near me. Eventually she just gave up and let me through, saying she was sad she couldn’t save me, as if she knew I was going to die. I met a lot of cool people on the way, but I miss Toriel the most. My foster parents are nowhere near as nice. I wish I could tell her how important she is to me, but she already feels guilty enough for letting me go as it is.

_“Don’t be scared Frisk. I’m sure the monster under your bed just wants to be your friend. Come on, let’s go talk to it…”_

I guess I miss Papyrus too. He’s just so silly and fun. And…um. Well yeah I guess it’s just a stupid little kid crush, but it makes me happy when I call him. It’s so sad there’s no Royal Guard for him anymore. My therapist say’s it’s not good when I flirt with teachers and other adults because I’m lonely. (That’s why they made me see her to begin with.) But it wasn’t really the same with him. It was a fun game I guess, at least for him. I don’t think he ever even thought about, um…And like I don’t even think he’d know how to do those things anyway. I think he’s kind of like just a kid like me. I know he’s a lot more innocent than I am. I don’t even think he knew what would happen if he captured me. And he just kept letting me go when he did anyway. He basically just gave me lessons on how to dodge and probably saved my life. I don’t blame him for anything, really.

_“And let’s not forget your wimpy goody-two-shoes schtick! Ooh! I’m making such a difference by hugging random strangers! You know what would be more valuable to everybody? IF YOU WERE DEAD!!!”_

Undyne is scary, maybe even scarier than dad. But she was right; my life really was all that stood in the way of all the monsters’ hopes and dreams. If I’d let her kill me, all my friends would be free and happy instead of trapped and sad all the time. Okay, I guess they were going to kill all the humans and that’s bad. But part of me almost wishes they did. We have it coming for how we treated them, right? The are no monsters like my dad, and there are no humans like Toriel. If I had to choose I’d… But I did choose, over and over. And I guess I chose to survive. Okay, I guess technically I died several times before I managed to run away from Undyne. That was basically when I learned about my power.

_“You’re not like me Frisk. You’re a survivor. You’re stronger than I ever was. Promise me you’ll fight to survive. I know you can get through this and have a better life than I did.”_

I try to be good. I try to be what everybody wants. I try not to fight back. But whenever things get really bad something not so nice inside me kicks in. Something angry. I guess it’s my dad half maybe. I don’t know. When I first fell into the ruins, I almost died, I think. It made me angry, because it felt unfair. I was just trying to stay safe and protect dad! I think my anger called something to me. It was another kid, a bad kid like me, but a lot stronger. They told me that if I stayed determined, then whenever I got too hurt to go on, they could use their powers to go back in time and give me another chance. I didn’t think it was real at first, I just thought I was dreaming about losing fights. But after getting killed by Undyne over and over, I knew it was real. I only ever heard from Chara when I died; they kept trying to convince me to fight back instead of sucking up to the people hurting me. My therapist thinks that Chara is a name I gave to my bad thoughts so I didn’t have to admit they were mine. Maybe she’s right, but I know the resetting is real; I can still do it, even here.

_“… umm, h-hey, this might sound strange but…c-can I tell you something? … B-before I met you, I d-didn’t really…I didn’t really like myself very much.”_

Alphys has a secret. I don’t know what it is, but I know there is one. She gives it away whenever she talks. I hope I’m not that obvious, but I think maybe she could tell we had something in common? She wanted to my friend so bad, she made up whole fake adventures to trick me. And I think she really wanted me to beat the king somehow. I think she thought I had a chance, even without knowing about my power. I wish I had a chance to get to know her. I wonder what she felt when Metatton betrayed her. Actually, come to think of it, Metatton might have been the only good guy in the whole adventure. He wanted to kill me and free everybody without Asgore destroying humanity. _That’s_ the fight I should have let myself stay dead in. That time I had no excuse. I was just selfish.

_“maybe sometimes it’s best to take what’s given to you. down here you’ve already got food, drink, friends…is what you have to do…really worth it?”_

Maybe I should have believed Sans. Maybe he really would have kept me safe like he promised Toriel. But everybody in the underground wanted to kill me for my soul. How long could I stay there, when I was standing in the way of everybody’s hopes and dreams? How long before Sans realized that I wasn’t the perfect cute little kid he thought I was? Sure I didn’t get any EXP, but if he knew the things dad did to me, would he still think I was worth saving? I tried to listen anyway. I waited around for a long time before going to Asgore. But somehow I knew everybody was waiting for me to go. They were willing to wait a while before being free for my sake, which was sweet, but I knew my job.

_“Come on pumpkin, I promise I’ll be more gentle this time. Frisk, stop hiding, I need you. Without your mom there’s nobody else to keep me company…Stop running you little brat and come back here!”_

So I went to the capitol to do my job. I don’t think anybody thought for a second that I would win. I’m not a killer. Asgore was. He’d done it six times before. Everybody knew he’d be nice. Everybody knew he’d cry. But he’d do it. And he _was_ nice. He offered to hold my hand. He offered to do it fast so it wouldn’t hurt. I accepted the first time. But Chara was so angry after I died. They said I deserved better. I think that might be the nicest thing they've ever said. So I fought…and got quickly and easily burned to dust. That made _me_ mad, because Chara just seemed so hurt. I kept fighting and I kept dying, but the more times I died the more mad I was. It wasn’t _fair!_ I did everything I could to be a good person! Why was he still hurting me!

_“This war has gone on long enough. You have the power…Take my soul and leave this cursed place.”_

When he fell down and gave his speech about wanting to give the monsters hope, I was angry enough I almost did it. It…felt good to finally fight back against somebody hurting me for once. But it wasn’t what I really wanted. It wasn’t even that I was too nice like everybody thinks. I just felt like if I killed him, it would be like admitting that the fight was my choice. I wasn’t there because I wanted his soul, I was there because I’d die if I tried to stay. So I threw down the gardening knife and shouted “I am _nothing_ like you!” I swear I wasn’t talking about Chara. But they've never talked to me since then. But I know They're not gone because I can still save. I think they just feel guilty. There’s a lot I don’t know about Chara; I wish Flowey told me more. But I know one thing, Chara isn’t as bad a person as they think they are. They just don't like it when people try to hurt us.

_“Don’t you realize that being nice…just makes you get hurt? Look at yourself. You made all these great friends…But now, you’ll probably never see them again. Not to mention how much they’ve been set back by you. Hurts, doesn’t it? If you had just gone through without caring about anyone…You wouldn’t have to feel bad now.”_

Flowey. I don’t like talking about Flowey. Because he’s always right, but I don’t want to believe him. I do always get hurt when I try to be nice. I do always get hurt when I care. Nobody ever puts me first, because they know I’ll be nice to them anyway. Even my therapist thinks I should learn to assert myself more. But… I like helping people. I want other people to be happy even if I can’t be. I can’t help it. And hey, I did survive anyway. And people did help me, at least a little. I don’t know if anybody has ever helped Flowey though.

_“So as long as you hold on…so as long as you do what’s in your heart…I believe you can do the right thing.”_

Flowey said there was a way to get “a better ending.” That if I went back and made friends with Undyne, things might not have turned out like this. I don’t know if I believe him. He’s tricked me before. But I think Chara believes him; they want to go back. But Undyne? Undyne wanted to kill me the most of all of them. She _still_ wants to kill me. And I’ll have to go back to before I fought Asgore. I don’t think I could go through that again. Getting killed over and over again, what good would that do? Maybe I should just go back and lose. Like what else could I possibly do to help them? Or maybe I could reset all the way to the beginning and just stay with Toriel? But when I reset, I keep the feelings I had at the time. I’d probably just leave again. I never learn. I never ever learn.

_“so, uh, hey…if we’re not giving up down here…don’t give up wherever you are, ok?”_

Maybe…maybe theres’ a way. Papyrus offered to help me be friends with Undyne. Maybe with him there Undyne wouldn’t try to hurt me again. Maybe with him there I wouldn’t be so scared. It’s hard to be scared with Papyrus around. And people say Undyne is a hero, that she wouldn’t kill an innocent person. I…I don’t think I really count as innocent, but Papyrus is innocent enough for both of us, maybe? And if Undyne’s my friend then she can probably actually keep me safe from Asgore so I can stay in the underground. And then, I guess, maybe some bad human will come through? Or I’ll just promise to give Asgore my soul when I’m dying of old age, I guess. That might be enough to give people hope. Or something. There has to be something. I have to try. It’s more than they’d do for me I guess, but it’s not like I’m happy where I am.

_Okay that’s it! I’m doing it! I’m going back!_


End file.
